Therapy
4/15/10
Today I had a phone session with my therapist–really needed it, and she told me that fear is “false evidence appearing real.” My whole life is enveloped by fear–mostly fear that I’m going to lose my job. I don’t know exactly why I see that as the most horrible thing that could happen to me, when I’ve experienced worse. I just don’t want to put my family in an uncomfortable situation due to my inadequacies (or perceived inadequacies). She told me I need to observe my “sleep hygiene”–the routines surrounding my sleep, because I have been waiting till my medication hits me on the couch and crashing there–sometimes without removing my make-up, contacts, clothes, the whole thing. Bad hygiene? Me? Yuck. She did say that for bipolars sleep hygiene is very important. She also insisted that I start exercising and put in a little time for fun and a little time for work. I’m not sure what my “fun” is. I guess I need to think about that.
3/26/10
I have meetings at school during when I used to have therapy, and my therapist can’t really fit me in for anything but phone sessions, so I’ve more-or-less decided to stop. She’s helped me to understand that I am not my illness–that I’ve been symptomatic for so long that I’ve come to think that depression is me. It’s hard to be medicated and give up on the chance of becoming at least a little bit manic. (In 2001, I produced and acted in a benefit performance of The Vagina Monologues in probably one of my greatest periods of achievement and wellness, and didn’t experience depression afterward. Will I ever be that energized and creative again, or am I doomed to a life of medicated mediocrity?)
The only other thing she taught me is that when I’m having negative, self-critical thoughts, I should put up an imaginary, giant, red stop sign and just tell myself “Stop.”
Other than that, I can’t say that I’ve benefitted much from therapy. It’s been almost like just talking to a friend–venting about work, worrying aloud about my kids–it isn’t like we’ve gotten into what I’d consider any deep psychological discoveries or anything–is that even possible?
I know what’s wrong with me; I just don’t know what’s right, and I feel rather ashamed to have to pay someone to tell me. It’s like that old Saturday Night Live sketch, Stuart Smalley: “I’m smart enough. I’m good enough. And doggone it, people like me.”
_____
Up north at one time or another…
My insurance company (which is actually through COBRA–just another one of my worries) won’t pay for phone sessions with my old therapist, so I’m looking for a local one. I called a couple and two of their numbers were out of service, and left a message for the third one. No word back today.
What I hate about every therapist I’ve ever been to is that they never tell me anything I don’t already know.
“All you can do is your best”, my most recent therapist said to me.
“My best isn’t good enough,” I replied.
“Did you hear what you just said? You said your best isn’t good enough!” she laughed in incredulity.
“Yeah, I heard what I said. My best isn’t good enough.”
“You’re too hard on yourself.” How many times have I heard that?
“It can take years to change your beliefs. Some beliefs cannot be changed,” said a psychiatrist to me recently. “Like if I tried to convince you to change your religion–you probably wouldn’t–maybe even couldn’t do it, right?” Right. So what makes me think that talking every week to someone who doesn’t know me is going to somehow help me. Therapists that I’ve seen have varied from blaming my parents for my problems (which never makes me feel any better, honestly) to recommending workbooks, to telling me I need to take more time to myself–none of it has helped. Time to myself? What would that look like? When I spend time alone, all I do is worry about my future. I have no money to take a yoga or pilates class. I feel guilty spending time away from my kids. With me not working at home with my husband now, I berate myself over quitting my job. Time to myself is the worst.
Hypersensitivity
from The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by Don Miguel Ruiz (2001)
“Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dreams. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
______________________________
Time to Oneself
One of my therapists emphasized the need for me to find time to myself–time to do something that I enjoy. When I used to smoke, I would slip outside for that evening cigarette, and that was a moment of relaxation that I’d anxiously await each night as I put my kids to sleep. (Eventually, I stopped doing it because I felt so agitated in anticipation of it). Now, I’ll admit that I rarely take time to do something I enjoy other than watch TV or–when I have a good one–read a book.
______________________________
Write It Out
“There are thousands of causes for stress, and one antidote to stress is self-expression. That’s what happens to me every day. My thoughts get off my chest, down my sleeves and onto my pad.” ~Garson Kanin
When I experienced a really rough time of my baby son being in the hospital (read more at www.badbusiness.org), I found great relief from emailing my daily ordeals to friends and family, and posting messages on tracheostomy.com. I highly recommend writing as a means of coping with stress. If you have an argument with your spouse, write out a letter, “I am mad that…”, “I am sad that…”, “I am glad that…”. I also heard recently that expressing gratitude to your children and specifically naming what they did right is an effective way to get them to do those things again.
______________________________
Coping Strategies