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I’m starting to feel really ill-prepared to do my job again.  It seems like every time we switch to a new activity or project, I feel extremely anxious and worried.  Today I was supposed to launch the research project, but it didn’t happen b/c (as usual) my students took longer than I expected to finish what was to come first.  At lunch today I met with the other teachers involved in teaching this unit and I felt that paranoid “Are they testing me?” thing in my head when they were showing some statistics about water.  I had to talk myself out of the thoughts.

I’m messing with my medication–I admit it.  I’m just so tired of being fat; I really want to see if not taking my Abilify will reduce my appetite any.  Last night I didn’t take my Geodon either, and the night before, I took nothing because I was so drunk, I basically passed out.  (Not like me…)

Right now I have to go to yet another meeting that makes me feel paranoid.  I hope I don’t experience those feelings.

I’m feeling sick and just so anti-social–dizzy, too. WTF?  Heading to San Diego for the day and night to meet up with my husband’s family.  Not sure what we’re going to do there, and I have work I need to do in the car or tomorrow.  Last night I drank red wine and felt good and relaxed for the first time in forever.   It makes me miss what it feels like to be normal (not that being slightly tipsy is normal for me–it’s just that I could kind of forget about my stressors) and just be.

I don’t know what to do about my meds. I’m still so unhappy about my weight, and I don’t feel happy, relaxed, or good.  I feel rather sick and antsy.  Not sure when my next appt. with my doc is, but I know he’s going to be stumped about helping me.

On a scale of 1-10 I’m feeling about a 5.  This weekend I spent doing much of nothing–mostly watching the NBA playoffs and trying to avoid feeling too guilty about not working.  I can’t really explain why I’ve been feeling so blah lately, and am reluctant to call my doctor about it because I really don’t think there’s anything he can do.  I basically just don’t feel like doing anything–not interacting with family, and especially not with students.  I’m supposed to be teaching a research project starting next week, and I have a really high level of anxiety about it–mainly because I feel ill prepared to teach them about research since it’s been so long since I’ve written a research paper myself.  I saw a comic today that said, “Instead about blogging about your life, why not try getting one?”  In my own defense, I guess writing about my life/my moods/my anxieties/my fucking inability to perform makes me feel just a little bit better.  It’s mostly a solution to boredom and partly reaching out in the hope that someone can offer some words of consolation.

Today I made the mistake of saying “Tough shit” to one of my students who really gets under my skin.  Hopefully there won’t be any repercussions.  I finished a book called Olive Kittredge this weekend, and toward the end, the protagonist and her son have a discussion about how difficult she was to live with while he was growing up–how moody and unpredictable.  That about sums me up.  I hear myself sounding extremely impatient with my son (for example, when he says, “Mom,” instead of saying “Yes?” I say “What?”–just that tinge of annoyance in my voice like I just don’t want to be bothered might really get to him as he’s getting older.  One day he asked me (and he’s only seven), “Mom, why are you mad?”  I just told him I was in a bad mood and he seemed to accept that.  I’m in a really bad mood today–like I have a food hangover or something.  It doesn’t help that everytime I tell one of my classes I have good news, they say, “You’re pregnant!”  (This has happened twice, in addition to the time a student looked at my stomach and asked me if I was pregnant–of course, I’m not).  Maybe it’s PMS, who knows?  I do plan to go for a walk today–see if that makes me feel any better.

Lately, I’ve been so sleepy at work, and going home and taking a nap in the afternoon, which is something I never used to do.  Today I decided to wait to take my Abilify till nighttime, and so far have not felt drowsy like I have over the past week.  I’m going to see how I feel later and probably make that adjustment.  I’m still eating like a pig, though, and have been wearing huge clothes just to try to hide my body.  I think I may have to go shopping and buy some other big clothes just to feel comfortable.  They’re not easy to find.

I worry sometimes about my daughter, who is 10–afraid that she’s going to have low self esteem like I do, or that she’ll have a mood disorder because sometimes she seems really irritable.  My therapist told me that much of what I noticed was normal 10-year-old behavior, and assured me that I have many positive attributes as a mother.   (This was in response to me saying “I don’t want my daughter to be like me.”).  I went through puberty early (as is she), and was “sexualized” early (as my therapist puts it), and I don’t want my daughter to experience the same thing. 

Some of how our children come out is beyond our control, which I think is kind of a comforting thing to accept, somehow.  I have a tendency to think that I can control everything, and thus when things go wrong, I usually feel responsible and guilty.  Take my students for example, my therapist made me look at all the factors that would contribute to them doing poorly on these state tests I’m proctoring, and my performance is only one of those factors.  I don’t know how/why it served me in the past to take responsibility for everything, to feel guilty, to blame myself.  It probably has something to do with my highly critical parents as well as my feelings of abandonment (due to molestation–I’ll write about that sometime when I feel up to it).  It seems a kind of arrogance to think everything is about me,  but it’s only the bad things that I take responsibility for–never the good things. 

I had to go to Urgent Care yesterday b/c my ear was totally blocked up, and unfortunately had to weigh myself.  I said f*** it and didn’t bother taking off my shoes.  I was so shocked and disgusted when I saw the result.  My therapist made me promise that I would start exercising, and I told her I would, but so far I haven’t started.  I guess I’m just plain fucking lazy, but it’s also because I hate showering, and to do it twice a day just sounds like so much trouble.

Today we have an appointment to get my son’s BAHA (bone-anchored hearing aid).  It has to be worn with a headband that we’re hoping we can hide under his hair, but I don’t know.  We might end up waiting until summer to have him start wearing it.  My other concern about him is that I guess the kids at school are calling him slow because he’s the slowest runner in the class.  Since he is a recoverer from heart and tracheal surgery, this point gives me reason to wonder whether I need to take him into a cardiologist, just for peace of mind.  I know that he gets winded easily, but he never seems to be at a loss for energy.

Right now I am wondering if my students are going to totally bomb the state standardized tests, and am pretty sure that they will.  Now is that FEAR (false evidence appearing real) or is that what will later become real evidence?

5 on a scale of 1-10
Morning:
150 mg Wellbutrin
25 mg Lamictal
10 mg Abilify
3 capsules green tea extract

Night:
40 mg Geodon @ 7 pm
25 mg Lamictal
1 tablet Klonopin (1 mg?) to sleep

I’m going to start taking the Klonopin at 9 pm and see if it gets me to sleep a little earlier.  Lately I’ve been taking it at 11:00 and not getting to sleep till after 12:30.  Everything is going ok, but I’m stressing a bit about what’s up and coming with my classes.  I tried to do what my therapist suggested this weekend, by working some and taking some time with my family, but I feel like I slept most of the weekend.  It seems like that’s what I would do all day if my circumstances allowed it. 

My therapist keeps asking me questions like, “Is this the way you’ve always been?” in regard to feeling anxious, worrying all the time, feeling like my performance isn’t good enough.  To be quite honest, I don’t think so, but I truly don’t remember.  It seems like things got worse for me after we lost our house (in 2007).  My doctor said it’s common for bipolars to have big memory gaps, and I do feel like that’s the case with me.  If anyone has had this symptom, I’d be glad to hear about it…      http://bipolarforum.ning.com

I finally talked to my doctor and he suggested I start taking 15 mg of Abilify.  I’ve been doing that for a couple of days and am starting to feel better.  Last night I actually joked with my son and daughter and laughed a little bit, though this morning I was feeling really paranoid at work–just anxious and nervous.  I don’t know if this is something medication can fix, or if I just have to deal with it… 

Yesterday I had a really icky situation at work that made me feel really paranoid.  When I asked students to journal about the highlight of their spring break, one of my students wrote “I got high with my cousins and when the earthquake hit, we were totally trippin’ out.”  I immediately called her mother and read the journal to her.  Mom proceeded to tell me about two other times that she had discovered drugs in her kid’s possession, and the kid had said the drugs belonged to friends.  To make a long story short, the kid once again gave Mom an excuse–telling her that a friend dared her to write that in her journal, and you know what?  I think Mom bought it.  I made the mistake of calling Mom from my cell phone, and now Mom has called me twice–I think to try to convince me that her kid isn’t doing drugs, and to make herself feel like she’s doing something about the problem (even though I don’t think there’s much she can do).  My paranoia stems from feeling like I betrayed the kid’s trust, or maybe the mother is saying thank you while she’s really thinking fuck you (she’d rather not know–especially now when her grandfather just passed away).  I could say more about why I feel like a hypocrite in condemning this kid’s drug use, but I know that it’s better that her parents know and tell her to stop than that she keeps using and thinking that it matters to no one.

On the same subject of drug use–today, three of my students (all in the same front row) simultaneously had their heads down on their desks.  I knocked on all of their desks and made some comment about “sleepy time”, but then I said, “Either you need to start going to bed earlier, or stop doing drugs.  You can’t have your heads down in here.  If you’re sick, you need to go to the health office.”  (I remember a teacher in high school telling our class a story that once a student had his head down in class, and when the teacher tried to rouse him, he was dead.  That has terrified me ever since I became a teacher).  Two of the students made comments about how disrespectful my comment was, and took passes to the health office.  Was my comment disrespectful, even though I have about 99.9% certainty that two of the three students use drugs?  And why doesn’t our school do anything to try to stop drug use among its students?  Essentially, a student has to be caught doing drugs on campus to experience any consequences at our school, and even then, they might get suspended, but that’s it.  About two weeks ago, one of my students got suspended for 5 days for smoking pot at school.  She looked high as hell today in class.

This afternoon I have a phone session appointment with my therapist, and I really want to try to use the time to get some concrete ideas about what I can do to build my own confidence, and how I can better cope with stress, rather than venting about my stressors. 

I’m feeling so bad at work today, I feel like I can barely perform.  I already took Friday off, so I can’t leave.  I called my doctor but didn’t reach him, called my therapist, but she called me back when I was grocery shopping with my family (not the best time to talk about suicidal feelings…)  I’ve decided that I’d like to go back on Abilify, even if it means that I’ll get fatter–just to stop feeling so bad.  A doctor I saw up north (who was otherwise worthless) told me that I need to learn to distinguish what I think from how I feel.  What I feel is sad, tired, and totally depressed (what other words describe it?), and what I think is that I suck at my job and my students are going to bomb the upcoming state tests they’ll be taking.  (Next week!)  How does knowing the difference between thoughts and feelings help me feel any better?

I was going along just fine–feeling pretty good, and then over spring vacation I started feeling really blue–it just seemed to come out of nowhere.  This weekend I haven’t been able to fall asleep, then sleeping until Noon, not wanting to get out of bed–the usual sick feeling–not wanting to interact with family.  I plan to spend some time outside today, which usually makes me feel better, but it’s an effort just to take a shower and do my hair.  I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow and see about going back on Abilify–I just don’t think this Lamictal is cutting it.  I also plan to call my therapist and see if I can get any relief from talking to her.  I feel guilty telling my husband I’m feeling sick because I’m sure he’s so tired of me not getting any better.  Why doesn’t the good feeling ever last?  Last night I was thinking that I’d be better off dead–I’m just so tired of feeling this way.