Archive for the 'My Story' Category

Apr 15

Family Visits

3 comments - Post a comment

My husband’s family just left after a three-day visit, and my parents arrive tomorrow.  I’m still recovering from the late nights and sleeping on the couch.

I’m finding myself stressing again about not having a real job–and I know my parents are going to harp on my husband about him getting the “real” job so I can stay home and run the business.  In the book “Manic,” Terri Chaney talks about taking one day at a time, and I know that’s the 12-step program directive, too, but I’m always worried about the future, sick of not having my own money, bored at being at home all the time, and feeling like I have no identity since I’m no longer practicing my profession.  Even though moving up to this area should have given me the feeling of a new start, I’m already tired of this new start and am looking for another one.  Should I look for a job out of town?  (There’s nothing for me here except teaching, which I’ve sworn off–I just can’t handle the pressure).  Should I go back to school and try to be something else?  Should I sit on my hands and wait for my husband to get a job, even though it’s his company he’d be abandoning?

On a side note, the receptionist of the therapist I went to see called me to set up another appointment.  She acted like I hadn’t even missed the first one, which I don’t understand.  My medication (and I) seem relatively stable, so I feel like I could (and should) be doing more.  I can’t relax when I know I’m not bringing in any money for my family.

Apr 11

Disorder

1 comment - Post a comment

MANIC EPISODE #1: Age 21
I always had a feeling that I didn’t belong.  My mind was working all the time; most of that time dissecting and pulling interaction apart as if I could discover its inner meaning.  Everything was about me and none of it good.  A therapist once told me that at some point in my life that trait had some adaptive value; it protected or defended me in some way.  Now it only served to make me want to escape my own mind.  To flee.  To dive down into a hole in the dark and not see.  Or hear.  Or think.

At one time I thought that my recreational drug use had intensified the problem.  An acid trip once made me think that the TV and radio were talking to me, that my parents (although I was away at college) were coming to my apartment to “get me”, that my car was being stolen, that I was dying.  Sometimes I saw my hands and thought that they were small, that I was small, and that perception made me happy.  Sometimes I saw people’s heads as larger than their bodies so they reminded me of babies.  These distorted perceptions whispered of the acid’s smoothness, not its jaggedness, and thus didn’t threaten me.

But I couldn’t feel myself.  (I could only hear myself.  Inside.)  And it bothered me to know that I would always hear that voice.

I had been a sterling student, answering every question, diving headfirst into every discussion.  Now, in my classes I held my head down.  If I spoke, my voice was unfamiliar to me, the looks of my classmates jeers, the comments of my teachers, ridicule.

“Hold your chin up,” my father said.  “You don’t really believe people are saying those things about you, do you?”  My education teacher said, “In the future, designer drugs will make you think better, perform better.  There will be a drug for everything!  Look at what Prozac can do now!”  There were snickers in the classroom.  I had taken Prozac for months and it had done nothing to still the frantic vibration of thoughts in my head. 

At 21, I found myself in the hospital.  I hadn’t eaten or slept for three days and my constant talking was driving my roommate crazy.  The storm of thoughts in my head were thrilling to me, and I knew that my life was about to take off.  I was on the brink of a new discovery.  I was Jesus Christ.

In the morning, I had walked the two miles to campus, smiling at the roofers on a neighborhood house.  Arriving in the psychology building, I read the exam scores, and noticed a very young African American man (probably my age) standing next to me.  He was looking at the scores.  I thought, “Can he read?”.  In my mind, he couldn’t read and I knew I had to be his tutor.  Did I speak to him?  Would he have known something was wrong with me?  A woman in her 40s wearing raspberry lipstick and tight jeans was waiting in the hallway and walked toward me.  “A prostitute,” I thought.

When my psychology class was halfway over, I went inside and stood in the back of the huge lecture hall full of students, and began to loudly ask questions.  I have no recollection now of what I asked him.  My professor answered at first, then grew impatient with my questions, came, and asked me to leave.  Without argument, I did.  (Could he not–a doctor of psychology–for God’s sake, tell that something was wrong with me?  Or did he not care?)  I wandered to the student services building, noticing the bees buzzing in the September sun, and thinking they were like me, Devorah, “bee”).  When I arrived at Student Services, two women with blue eyes spoke to me kindly.  Was one of them my mother?  No, her eyes were too blue.

My anthropology class was mixing into her consciousness.  I was studying the Dinka–cattleraisers of the Sudan, and to me, the African American girls were cows (traded as dowry with wives?)  I had dressed to look as sleek as possible.  I wanted to look like a pretty cow, so I wore black jeans (my legs should be one color) and white tennis shoes (my feet should be another).  The young man who’d been looking at me earlier was looking at my legs.  “Would he buy me?”, I thought.  I am a pretty, meaty cow.

When my parents came to commit me to the hospital, I thought my father was planning sex with my gay roommate.  My mother extending me an apple (trying to get me to eat something, anything) made me believe my mother was Eve, and I would not eat.  I could not eat that apple.  My head buzzed around me.  That day I had seen an apple on the ground and bees buzzing around it, and I felt warm and golden inside.  The policeman who had walked toward me kept licking his lips, and I thought that his lips were salty and he was Lot.

As I wandered on campus, my friends had pulled up in a Jeep and called to me.  My friend offered me a banana and I ate.  Hours earlier I had gone into a co-op grocery store, ravenous from not having eaten for 48 hours.  A young woman had said, “Try one of these snap peas,” broke it open, and handed it to me.  It was sweet and crisp in my mouth, and that touch of food was enough to curb her hunger so she could continue to roam the streets.

When my friends brought me back to my house, I sat on the porch swing.  I began speaking to my friend, a linguistics major.  Suddenly the connections between words became clear. `P’, she began speaking the words of other languages.  My roommate came out onto the porch and jumped on the normally untouched mini-trampoline.  His red hair flashing, he looked to me like Woody Woodpecker, his head seeming large for his body, his smile and silent laughter smug.  Inside, the worst was coming.

When my father tried to put me into the car, I fought him.  The car was a hearse and I was going away to die.  My mother sat in the back with me, and I said, “Second class citizens, right, Mom?”  I tried to speak to my father in sign language, but he couldn’t look at me and drive the car.  I got angry and refused to speak more.

In the psychiatrist’s office, I would not speak.  “May I speak to your parents?” he asked.  “She needs to go to a hospital,” he said.

In the parking lot of the hospital, I tried to run away.  It was dark, I was a deer, they were wolves.  My dad caught me and carried me in, and they strapped me to a gurney.  When I reached a room, they put a needle in my arm and I strained not to feel it.  I was my Grandma Rose now, and they were testing my strength, but I wouldn’t die this time.

Some days later, I looked out the window and saw dirt and machines digging.  I couldn’t get out, and there was no place to go.  It was the future, and the world outside was grim.  My underarm hair was growing and I wanted it to grow long.  I would shave my head.  They put a shower cap on me and took me into a sterile room with a tunnel in it.  I laid down in the tunnel, becoming once again, my Grandma Rose.  I would not die. I would not cry.  I would not give them the satisfaction.

The next day, I rode in a van across the street where I was unloaded and escorted to a waiting room.  My parents were with me, but I was watching the kicking, screaming man being dragged into isolation.  I went to my room.  They woke me at night to take medicine.  They weighed me every day.  I talked to the people who talked to me.  I ate salad and bananas.  I drank apple juice that came out of a giant steel machine.  I saw my family.

They looked worried about me.  They talked.  I answered.  Day turned to night.  “I want to go home,” I said.

Back to school in time for finals.  I had to explain to my teachers that I’d been ill.  Would they let me make up my work?  In my linguistics class–a small group seminar–I had begun a discussion of incest before my sudden exit to the hospital.  The class had become a free-for-all of discussion of sexual topics, and more people approached me after class to talk that day than I had spoken to all year.  Did they remember?

When I failed my psychology test and talked to my professor about it, he told me that I couldn’t retake his multiple choice exam.  “You did fine on your other finals,” he said.  “But they were essay questions,” I said.  “Did you think I was on drugs or something?  Did you know what was wrong with me?”, I asked him.  “I knew you weren’t on drugs,” he said.  “I knew there was something wrong with you.”

MANIC EPISODE #2: Age 21
I was on lithium.  I began to eat.  And eat.  And eat.  I put on thirty pounds in three months.  I didn’t accept my need for the medication, so I stopped taking it and began to lose weight.  (This battle with appetite and medication would become an ongoing problem).  A sharp feeling began to enter my head.  I stopped feeling hungry.  I stopped eating.  People’s speech turned automatically into an interior language that was hostile and disparaging.  I mad the decision to leave my boyfriend one day.  I left him the next.  I moved into a house full of girls, knowing none of them, and began walking to class, riding on the back of a young man’s motorcycle, and at night sitting on my porch talking to strangers walking by.

I was writing a paper and planned to move to Mexico to learn Spanish.  I talked to an academy in Cuernavaca and to one of its former students.  I would graduate soon and I would go.  One morning, my sister (who would later become a doctor) came into my room.  “We’re packing your clothes,” she said.  “What do you want to take?”  Running past her, down the stairs, onto the porch where stood my best friend and two men, I remembered that I’d stopped taking my medication.  A woman police officer came up the steps.  “Hi there,” she said.  I tried to run past the uniformed woman, who grabbed me, handcuffed me, and told me I had to get in the car or be forced into it.  In the car, my hands behind my back made my robe fall open.  My sister tried to cover me up.

At the hospital I stood outside the elevators and I was a deer.  My brother-in-law was looking at me as a hunter looks at its prey.  “Why are you looking at me like that?” I yelled.  In an examining room, I stepped on the scale.  My friend said, “Please don’t hate me for this,” and cried.  I stared at my crying friend and I wasn’t sure who she was.

I had made my boyfriend swear he wouldn’t put me into the hospital.  He had done so with ease, and my friend would tell me later that he did that because he didn’t care about her–he wasn’t willing to accept responsibility for her.  But she felt no resentment.  I only felt resentment for those who had taken away my power.

My father would later say, “If it weren’t for us, you’d be institutionalized–you know that?”  

Fighting my way back to health after leaving the hospital the second time went slowly.  I sat on the back patio of my parents’ house and chain-smoked.  The anti-psychotic I was on (Haldol) made my tongue feel thick and immobile.  I couldn’t sit still.  I couldn’t concentrate on schoolwork, yet everyone wanted me to commit to taking classes in the fall.  Daily I wanted to die.

The doctor I was seeing tried many different medications, but none of them worked.  “Bringing someone up from depression is a lot harder than bringing someone down from mania,” he said.  Welcome back to lithium.

When I later became “stabilized,” functioning properly again, I moved back to my college town and finished my degree.  I began to work again and began to eat.  And eat.  And eat.  Three sizes later, I called my doctor.  “My appetite is out of control,” I said.  “Being fat is making me depressed.”  “The lithium isn’t putting the food in your mouth,” the doctor said from his car.  “We tried you on all of the other possible drugs.” 
“There has to be another school of thought,” I said.  “Yeah?  Well, you go find it,” he said.  I hung up the phone.

Even after finding a doctor whom I trusted and who listened to what I said about my state, I struggled with what I called “twinges” of paranoia, thoughts of death and the desire for it.

“I know how you feel,” my friends would say.  “I was really in a funk a few weeks ago.”  I smiled and wondered, “Am I really making too much of my problems?”  I came to believe that there are people who are born without the capacity for happiness.  A family friend’s son, who had been depressed for years, committed suicide, and my belief was confirmed.  (This same boy’s father also killed himself years later).

A casual boyfriend said, “I can make you happy”, and later, “You have to work to be happy”, and then “You won’t let yourself be happy.”  Were any of these ideas true?

Mar 25

Appetite

2 comments - Post a comment

I’m trying to lose some weight, and one of the good things about Geodon is that at this high dosage, it decreases my appetite.  I would imagine that people who struggle to keep on weight would have to be careful with this medicine for that reason.  I wish I could just take a pill that would fill my stomach, because I hate eating.  Nothing sounds good or tastes good, except for sweets.  I’ve always struggled with my weight–staying anywhere between 10 and 25 pounds overweight, so even though my smaller jeans are fitting just right, I’m still not happy with what the scale says (or with my post-two pregnancies stomach).  I know that I’ll never get the body I’d like just from dieting alone, but I don’t have much energy or desire to exercise.  Even at lower doses, I’ve been able to keep weight off while on Geodon, compared to some other meds.  (See below).

Lithium–the worst! Gained 30 pounds in three months, was told by a psychiatrist, “The lithium isn’t putting the food in your mouth.”  (Maybe not, but it made me feel so hungry, I had to eat all the time).  LIthium also made me feel totally flat–as if I had no emotional response to anything.  Yuck.

Zoloft–moderate weight gain and also the sexual side effect of low libido and difficulty climaxing. Great.

Neurontin (or Gabapentin)–gained 25 pounds over the course of about 6 months.  George W. Bush got reelected around the same time–so I always joked that this was the reason for my depression.

On some meds there have been times where I’ve felt like my stomach just won’t fill up, no matter how much I eat (although I don’t try continuing to eat to try to solve the problem).  I get extremely bitchy when I don’t eat, and I’ve noticed with Geodon, I don’t really get like that either.  I’m trying to lose 10 pounds, but the scale isn’t budging.  Maybe there’s such a thing as a set weight, and my body doesn’t want to get off of it. 

Mar 23

Ghost

2 comments - Post a comment

One morning I woke up and felt like I’d been sleeping for years. Suddenly everything seemed clear to me, and I wondered how I’d been functioning for the past few months (had I been functioning?)

We drove south for a ballroom party celebrating my neice’s 18th birthday (debut), and I felt like the whole crowd was watching me–even when their backs were turned–aware of what I was doing, what I wasn’t doing (dancing), and all I could do was follow my son around to make sure he didn’t slip outside. He was the life of the party–hip hop dancing, spinning on his knee–luckily my kids aren’t as neurotic as I. Part of my sense of alienation might have stemmed from the fact that everyone in the debut party was wearing red, and we–who didn’t know till we arrived that we were part of the party–were wearing green. Whatever…I was psychotic.

The next day was a barbecue, and I felt the same kind of paranoia and buzzing in my head. At one point I couldn’t figure out how to put a toy bowling game away, so I approached the hostess, my sister-in-law and said–right in front of her friends who are a gay couple–”Could you help me with this? I know it’s a queer question…I mean it’s a queer request…” I couldn’t believe my own mouth. There was dead silence. “Hi,” I said to one of them. “Have we met?” He went on to describe our meeting the previous summer, while I barely heard, fixating on my flub. He got up and quickly reassembled the toy. Awhile later, I approached the two men and apologized for using the word “queer”–it came back from my childhood, so fucked up, I said, “I didn’t even notice,” one of them replied. Could that have been true? Or was he just trying to make me feel better (or worse?)

A day or two later, I tried to go to the DMV to get a new license and became totally confused. Fortunately (I guess), my son had a poopie accident in the car, so I had to leave quickly, but I was overwhelmed by how confused I became at the institutionality of the DMV. Shit, that place is made for people who don’t speak English, and I still couldn’t figure out exactly what I was supposed to do.

I’ve forgotten little things, I’ve forgotten big things. One day I shouted at my husband, “I have to go to the hospital! I have to go to the hospital!” Not having insurance at the time, this was out of the question. My husband called my sister, a doctor, who suggested giving me atavan. I took it, and the next day went to the doctor who increased my Geodon dosage to 160 mg.

I’m reconnecting with my children, and I finally feel like showering and putting on makeup again. I’m still battling some suicidal thoughts, but I’m not thinking psychotically. The main thing is getting to sleep, which can take 3 Tylenol PMs or a tablet of Lunesta, which I hate. Sometimes the Geodon knocks me out, but I always wake up in the early morning without being able to fall back asleep.

Yesterday was a horrible day. The day before was good. Right now, I’m just trying to take it one day at a time.

I was born the third child of three–the second daughter, the youngest.  I don’t remember much about the early days of my childhood–the traumatic experience of falling off the jungle gym in preschool are about all that have stuck with me.  My father and mother are two very different types of people.  My father is extremely intense and has always intimidated my friends (and me), and my mother is sweet and friendly–the kind of person no one could dislike.  If I had to characterize their personalities, I would say that my dad is rather prickly and my mom is kind of warm and gushy.  My brother, sister, and I are all combinations of our parents, and I think I got the worst of it–ultrasensitiviy from my mother and a coldness of demeanor from my dad–making me appear unapproachable and yet prone to periods of melancholy, loneliness, and despair.

I was a tomboy as a child, and due to my name being unusual in the 70s, my short hair, and my entire family calling me “Dani”, I was repeatedly mistaken for a boy.  I don’t know exactly how this contributed to my self-image, if it did at all, but I have always felt sure of my strength in comparison to men’s.  I consider myself a feminist, and there is nothing that will get me going more easily than a sexist male making serious comments that disparage women. 

I went through puberty much earlier than the other girls my age, and my sister insisted on embarrassing me by trying to convince my mother in public that I needed a bra.  “They’re not big”, she would say, “They’re just pointy!”  I remember the first day I arrived at school wearing my new bra.  One or two at a time, each of my friends squished into the bathroom stall with me so that I could show them the symbol of my burgeoning adolescence.

Boys at school would tease me about my chest.  I had to learn early on how to retort and how to keep the comments about my body separate from thoughts about myself.  I don’t think I succeeded.  I had no control over the changes in my body and it became my enemy.  I had been an athlete, but when puberty and resulting self-consciousness set in, I feared the jiggling of my chest and refused to try out for any sports in middle school.  How many times has my self-consciousness kept me from doing things that would have made my life more rich?

When I was a junior in high school, I was deeply influenced by my best friend, Kristi.  I remember doing things prematurely yet thinking it was ok because “Kristi did it.”  “Peer pressure” was not a force that drove me to do things I didn’t want to do; it was a force that validated it when I did things I did want to do.  I met my first boyfriend in middle school: Tony.  Tony was African American, an athlete, and a very popular boy.  (Later he would be Homecoming King).  He wasn’t quite as popular with my parents.  I think my parents would have respected him a bit more if he didn’t act like such a fool around them.  When they were home, he would mumble, laugh, and act like a general idiot–mainly because he always had his much dimmer friend Collis with him.  When my parents weren’t around, he would head straight to the refrigerator (in high school, the bar), help himself to most things, and be consistently rude to me.  Tony would ring my doorbell at 1:00 in the morning.  In those days I didn’t know the phrase “booty call”, but that’s exactly what it was.  I guess I had a thing for masochistic relationships at this stage of my life, because the meaner Tony was to me, the more loving and dedicated I was to him.

Besides the time I used a dull razor in the bathtub to try to slit my wrists (it was such a hopeless attempt, I barely consider it suicidal), Tony was the first reason I tried to kill myself.  He and his friends had a nickname for me: “Flabbers” they called me, as a reference to my big thighs.  One night, Tony and I were on the phone, and I can’t remember exactly what he said, but the upshot was that he was breaking up with me, and laughing at me, calling me that name with his friends laughing in the background.  I was sitting on the bathroom floor, and when I hung up the phone, I downed a half a bottle of rubbing alcohol.  I was 15.

Later that night I went to a school basketball game, and I simply felt drunk.  I must have told a friend what I’d done, because when I got home, my father said to me (we were walking outside–I’d run down the street after someone–probably Tony), “That boy said you drank rubbing alcohol.”  “I didn’t,” I said, and that was the end of the conversation.

_____________

I haven’t tried to kill myself since that night, although I’ve considered it a million times.