Bipolarblog.org

I had a major breakdown after work today–just ceaselessly crying because of a mistake I’d made at a meeting.  During the entire meeting I was having those paranoid delusions that everyone’s comments were hostile and directed at me.  (e.g. the teacher doing the presentation mentioned that it was my idea to do the NOVEL Hiroshima–had it in her powerpoint and everything–and the teacher next to me said, “Isn’t that non-fiction?”  I said “There’s been some question.”  He later told me that the book was published in the New Yorker a  year after the bomb hit (i.e. the book is non-fiction).   I told him I haven’t read the book since eighth grade which isn’t entirely true, but I’ve never taught it (and have never referred to it as a novel).  Then my husband called me, and though the volume on my phone was low, I couldn’t manage to turn it off due to having a new and obstructive case.  A few minutes later, one of the presenters said “My daughter can use my Iphone, and she’s two.”  I took this personally–as an implication that I don’t know how to use my phone even though a two-year-old could.  I’m debating whether to email the teacher who sprung the whole Hiroshima thing on me (I had no idea she was going to mention it in this meeting in front of a dozen important people)–just to let her know that it isn’t fiction and she needs to change her slide, but it’s really too late.

I’m really pissed at the Lamictal I’m taking–just increased it to 150 mg and am feeling worse, not better.  I feel like now instead of just feeling bad all the time, I cycle from feeling pretty good to feeling horrible.  I’m still having those thoughts of suicide–today I went through all my meds to see what downers I have (unfortunately, I don’t have many), and knowing my luck a suicide attempt would be just that–an attempt, and would probably end up being a huge scandal and a major trauma for my family.

I just don’t know what to do now.  I called my therapist and my doctor, and neither one has responded (and it’s now 6:15 P.M.).  I’m starting Romeo and Juliet tomorrow and am scared as shit that none of my students are going to turn in their research papers (my first attempt at a project from an interdisciplinary  unit).  One of the assistant principals promised us more time in the computer lab and then reneged.  I feel like I gave my students lots of guidance, but I didn’t give them a sample essay and I’m sure as hell not going to write one for them–I just don’t have the stamina right now.  All I feel like doing is vegetating.

Every time I scratch my head I fear that I have lice, and I’m fatter than ever.  I’m not sure why my husband still wants sex with me, but I’m getting no relief from that, either.  In my notes on my phone I said “Good meds” 10 mg Abilify, 40 mg Geodon, and I think 10 mg Selexa.  I think I went off the Selexa because of sexual side effects, but I don’t care about that anymore.  It’s this paranoia in the face of pressure that literally makes me want to die.  The sophomores in the health academy this year had a 94% passing rate on the high school exit exam (CAHSEE)  which scares the shit out of me, since I’m not really sure how I’m going to teach them to perform well on it next year.  My husband keeps making comments like “Fuck that bitch”  about the woman with the slide, or “Fuck that–worry about it when it happens.”  He doesn’t understand the pressure a teacher is under to prepare and to perform.  We wouldn’t be able to survive on his earnings alone (we’ve tried that before), and we definitely wouldn’t be able to afford health insurance, which we need for our kids.

I’m done for today, truly done.

« Transitions | Parnate »