Bipolarblog.org

Lately I’ve been having fleeting suicidal thoughts–no plans of action or anything serious like that–just wishing I were dead and watching Forensic Files and thinking “Hey, I could just poison myself.  I wonder how easy it is to get cyanide?”  Again, I would never do it (because of not wanting to stigmatize my kids and leave my husband in misery).

I have a therapy appointment today and am not really sure what I want to talk about–I guess starting with the suicidal thoughts would be the right thing.  I can just hear the session now:

K: So, what’s going on?  How are you doing?
D: Ok, I guess.  From day to day, my mood changes.  School’s been a little easy toward the end of this week, so I’ve been feeling a little better than at the start of the week.  I have been having some suicidal thoughts lately.
K:  Where are those coming from?
D: Oh, sometimes I just think it would be easier to be dead.
K: Why do you wish you were dead?
D: I just hate the way I feel about my work.  I feel like such a failure and I’m worried that what I’m doing right now (a research paper) is going to be a big flop.
K:  Are you trying your best?
D: I guess so.
K: What does that mean?
D: I’ve done some preparation, but I could always do more.
K: There’s that voice going again–that’s what I hear from teachers and from you all the time–the work never stops, the worry never stops–you could always be doing more.  Can’t you just stop and enjoy your life?
D: No, I don’t enjoy my life.  That’s what I’m telling you– I wish I were dead.  (D begins to cry).
K:  (Interior Monologue) What the fuck am I going to do with this woman?  She’s so fucked in the head–obviously depressed, feeling sorry for herself.  She won’t do what I say–won’t exercise, sleeps on the couch with the TV on every night.  Why won’t she help herself?  Why isn’t she getting better?
Where are the tears coming from?
D: I’m just so sick of feeling this way.
K: Have you talked to your doctor about these feelings?  Maybe your medication isn’t right.
D: Yeah, I’m not taking my Abilify because I’m sick of this weight gain and uncontrollable appetite.  I have an appointment this week.
K: See, there you go–you’re not taking your medication as prescribed.
D: (Interior Monologue) Go fuck yourself.

« Spinning My Wheels | Latest… »