The Parnate is really helping me–
Right now I’m on
1 tablet Parnate in the morning (can take two more during the day as needed)
40 mg Geodon at night
200 mg Lamictal at night (knocks me out)
1 mg Klonopin to sleep (also helps with anxiety during the day)
Back on Parnate since Friday, and hoping for the best. It’s really been the only med that’s been able to bring me out of suicidal thoughts, excepting Abilify, which I don’t want to be on because of weight gain. We’ll see how it goes.
I had a major breakdown after work today–just ceaselessly crying because of a mistake I’d made at a meeting. During the entire meeting I was having those paranoid delusions that everyone’s comments were hostile and directed at me. (e.g. the teacher doing the presentation mentioned that it was my idea to do the NOVEL Hiroshima–had it in her powerpoint and everything–and the teacher next to me said, “Isn’t that non-fiction?” I said “There’s been some question.” He later told me that the book was published in the New Yorker a year after the bomb hit (i.e. the book is non-fiction). I told him I haven’t read the book since eighth grade which isn’t entirely true, but I’ve never taught it (and have never referred to it as a novel). Then my husband called me, and though the volume on my phone was low, I couldn’t manage to turn it off due to having a new and obstructive case. A few minutes later, one of the presenters said “My daughter can use my Iphone, and she’s two.” I took this personally–as an implication that I don’t know how to use my phone even though a two-year-old could. I’m debating whether to email the teacher who sprung the whole Hiroshima thing on me (I had no idea she was going to mention it in this meeting in front of a dozen important people)–just to let her know that it isn’t fiction and she needs to change her slide, but it’s really too late.
I’m really pissed at the Lamictal I’m taking–just increased it to 150 mg and am feeling worse, not better. I feel like now instead of just feeling bad all the time, I cycle from feeling pretty good to feeling horrible. I’m still having those thoughts of suicide–today I went through all my meds to see what downers I have (unfortunately, I don’t have many), and knowing my luck a suicide attempt would be just that–an attempt, and would probably end up being a huge scandal and a major trauma for my family.
I just don’t know what to do now. I called my therapist and my doctor, and neither one has responded (and it’s now 6:15 P.M.). I’m starting Romeo and Juliet tomorrow and am scared as shit that none of my students are going to turn in their research papers (my first attempt at a project from an interdisciplinary unit). One of the assistant principals promised us more time in the computer lab and then reneged. I feel like I gave my students lots of guidance, but I didn’t give them a sample essay and I’m sure as hell not going to write one for them–I just don’t have the stamina right now. All I feel like doing is vegetating.
Every time I scratch my head I fear that I have lice, and I’m fatter than ever. I’m not sure why my husband still wants sex with me, but I’m getting no relief from that, either. In my notes on my phone I said “Good meds” 10 mg Abilify, 40 mg Geodon, and I think 10 mg Selexa. I think I went off the Selexa because of sexual side effects, but I don’t care about that anymore. It’s this paranoia in the face of pressure that literally makes me want to die. The sophomores in the health academy this year had a 94% passing rate on the high school exit exam (CAHSEE) which scares the shit out of me, since I’m not really sure how I’m going to teach them to perform well on it next year. My husband keeps making comments like “Fuck that bitch” about the woman with the slide, or “Fuck that–worry about it when it happens.” He doesn’t understand the pressure a teacher is under to prepare and to perform. We wouldn’t be able to survive on his earnings alone (we’ve tried that before), and we definitely wouldn’t be able to afford health insurance, which we need for our kids.
I’m done for today, truly done.
I’ve noticed every time I have to make a transition at school (start teaching something new), I start to feel overwhelmed and extremely anxious. I doubt my own ability and have so much work to do. There’s only a few weeks of school left and yet I’m feeling overcome by fear of failure. I really want to move out of this house and there’s so much crap everywhere. I just want to get rid of all the paper, the clothes, the boxes–everything. I want to be able to relax, but I can’t.
Posed the idea of going back on Parnate to my doctor yesterday, and instead he suggested we increase my Lamictal to 100 mg for 4-5 days, and then 200 mg after that. Hope it doesn’t have an effect on my weight.
I am feeling better now that I’m trying to sleep in my own bed instead of going to sleep on the couch–just feel more rested and a little more hopeful in the mornings. Still worried about next year and the keeping of my job the following year–stressed out about yearbook, but otherwise, not bad.
My husband always tells me “It’s Monday,” whenever I complain about the day I’ve had at the beginning of the week. Well, it was one of those days. My students’ results from the High School Exit Exam came in today, I guess, and even though I haven’t managed to figure out how to view them, I can only imagine how bad they are; and today I found out there’s no money for me to attend a health academy conference to prep for next year, and somehow I’ve gotten it in my mind that my students’ low test scores are the reason. I keep worrying that next year when I teach sophomores, there will be even more pressure for my students to perform well on the HSEE, and I don’t know how to prepare them besides giving them sample test questions. I have lots of work to do this summer, and actually, I’m glad that I’m not going to that stupid conference–I was feeling a lot of stress around it, anyway.
I’m struggling through trying to teach my students how to write a research paper–students who won’t read–we’ve read nearly everything aloud this year. But how can we possibly read aloud all their individual references? I’ve been forced to make their research topic something that relates to the science curriculum (water–pollution or conservation) and they know nothing and neither do I. I’m learning, though. (I wonder if they are).
I get this feeling that my husband is sabotaging my efforts to lose weight–he keeps cooking for me and preparing me food, when I’d really rather eat next to nothing. I’m trying to eat my dinner in the afternoon and then not eat after that–someone told me that not eating after 3 P.M. is a way to lose weight, though I’m eating past then–more like 4:30.
This weekend we were excluded from my sister-in-laws’ plans as usual and were left feeling isolated and alone. It’s really not fair to my kids that because of the way I feel we never get together with anyone but family, and when family excludes us, we’re alone. Then when we finally did get together with the family, joy upon joy, my sister-in-law discovered that my daughter has lice and was so kind as to tell her, “Great, now you gave it to my daughter!” Needless to say, my daughter started to cry and I ended up bitching at my sister-in-law. I later apologized via Facebook, but when I think about it, why should I be apologizing? She’s the one who made my daughter feel like shit–not just with the lice comment (oh, and my son has it, too), but for leaving her out of their weekend plans (as usual). One of my friends told me I’m lucky just to have people to spend time with even occasionally on the weekends, but that’s not how I feel. I don’t feel lucky in any way.
Which brings me to a self-pitying moment. Why did I have to be born with this MFIng illness? And why isn’t there a “magic pill” I can take–I’m in therapy, but it doesn’t keep me from having self-critical and mildly paranoid thoughts. When is this just going to stop?
I actually had a really great night last night (drinking some red wine helped a lot)–went swimming and spent a romantic evening with my husband. Today I woke up to roses and Mother’s Day cards from my husband and kids–very sweet. I will probably spend the rest of the day with my husband’s family watching the NBA.
I did a little work this morning, but it’s so hard to concentrate and plan ahead–my books and papers and stuff are all over the place in this house–I so want to move but we signed a lease so we’ll have to stay for at least another few months. I wanted to go shopping today, but I guess painting my toenails is all the me time I’m going to get. My therapist emphasizes how important it is to spend some time each day doing something I enjoy, just for myself. I do try, but there seems to be little I enjoy, so…
Looking forward to my doctor’s appointment on Tuesday, but am already feeling a bit better–not sure why–maybe because I’m post-PMS (?)
I did see my therapist on Friday, and she commiserated with me–told me I seemed depressed (duh!), and suggested that my medications aren’t really working the way they should. She said she would connect with my doctor prior to my appointment just to update him on how she perceives that I’m doing. I’m seriously thinking about going back on Parnate–really the only medication that has brought me out of having suicidal thoughts. I’m going to leave it up to my doctor, though. There’s got to be something that can help me, with all these new medications that I see commercials for–Pristique, Cymbalta, etc.
Discontinuing my use of Abilify has helped to decrease my appetite. I don’t feel like a slave to my stomach anymore.
Medications:
A.M.
150 mg Wellbutrin
25 mg Lamcital
P.M.
25 mg Lamictal
40 mg Geodon (7 pm)
1 tablet Klonopin to sleep
Lately I’ve been having fleeting suicidal thoughts–no plans of action or anything serious like that–just wishing I were dead and watching Forensic Files and thinking “Hey, I could just poison myself. I wonder how easy it is to get cyanide?” Again, I would never do it (because of not wanting to stigmatize my kids and leave my husband in misery).
I have a therapy appointment today and am not really sure what I want to talk about–I guess starting with the suicidal thoughts would be the right thing. I can just hear the session now:
K: So, what’s going on? How are you doing?
D: Ok, I guess. From day to day, my mood changes. School’s been a little easy toward the end of this week, so I’ve been feeling a little better than at the start of the week. I have been having some suicidal thoughts lately.
K: Where are those coming from?
D: Oh, sometimes I just think it would be easier to be dead.
K: Why do you wish you were dead?
D: I just hate the way I feel about my work. I feel like such a failure and I’m worried that what I’m doing right now (a research paper) is going to be a big flop.
K: Are you trying your best?
D: I guess so.
K: What does that mean?
D: I’ve done some preparation, but I could always do more.
K: There’s that voice going again–that’s what I hear from teachers and from you all the time–the work never stops, the worry never stops–you could always be doing more. Can’t you just stop and enjoy your life?
D: No, I don’t enjoy my life. That’s what I’m telling you– I wish I were dead. (D begins to cry).
K: (Interior Monologue) What the fuck am I going to do with this woman? She’s so fucked in the head–obviously depressed, feeling sorry for herself. She won’t do what I say–won’t exercise, sleeps on the couch with the TV on every night. Why won’t she help herself? Why isn’t she getting better?
Where are the tears coming from?
D: I’m just so sick of feeling this way.
K: Have you talked to your doctor about these feelings? Maybe your medication isn’t right.
D: Yeah, I’m not taking my Abilify because I’m sick of this weight gain and uncontrollable appetite. I have an appointment this week.
K: See, there you go–you’re not taking your medication as prescribed.
D: (Interior Monologue) Go fuck yourself.
Although I know it’s probably not a good idea, I’m messing with my medicine. I want to keep track of how I’m feeling, and whether I notice a change in my appetite due to the changes I’m making with meds. Yesterday I was having some obsessive thoughts about this stupid research paper I’m trying to do with my students–feeling like it’s going to fail, just worrying about it and my future. My husband told me point blank to stop worrying about tomorrow and just “enjoy him”. I tried to do that, but he shortly after fell asleep, so there wasn’t a lot of enjoyment going on.
I read that Lamictal can cause weight gain, but despite that, I took some Lamictal last night–just to help with the obsessive negative thoughts, and today I feel my appetite again. I’m also having my period, which just exacerbates and obfuscates matters. I’m staring at this registration for a conference I’m supposed to attend in June, where I have to work with other teachers to plan a year of health academy English/integrated with science and math. I’m so dreading it because I have no good ideas to offer. Last night I also took extra Geodon (60 mg) with my Klonopin (slept well, but am feeling especially tired today).
I have a therapy appointment on Friday, which I’m also dreading b/c I haven’t been exercising as my therapist suggested. I’m seriously thinking it might be better just to lie–that way she won’t harp on me.
Tomorrow and Friday, I basically have a break from my classes b/c the counselors are coming in to work on the students’ schedules for next year. I know I should use the time for planning, but I’m just so tired and unenthused, I don’t know how I’m going to do it. In addition to this research paper (which is already flopping), I still need to teach Romeo and Juliet this year, and have no idea how I’m going to fit that in. Looks like my weekend is going to be spent stewing about that.
My therapist says that all my wheel-spinning worry may make me feel like I’m doing something about my stressors, but is in fact making them worse.