Bipolarblog.org

On 7/29, I talked my doctor into letting me start Zoloft (50 mg).  I’ve never been happier to see that little blue pill.  Maybe it’s my imagination, but I’m already starting to feel better–80 mg of Geodon at 7 pm (waking up at 6:30, staying in bed till 7:30 or 8), Wellbutrin 150 mg (been on that for 6 days) and 50 mg of Zoloft (on that for 2 days).

Also, for now, I’ve given up on looking for a job.  We’re not sure that we’re going to stay in this town anyway, and I couldn’t handle the stress when I was trying to work and raise my kids at the same time; so for now, I’m just trying to help my husband make $ from his business.  The kids start school on 8/12, so I’m sure I’ll be hosting lots of play dates and have some interaction with parents.  Made a friend (the mother of one of my son’s friends) but they’re moving away in September.  Not too much else to say…

I saw my doctor this morning and I suggested that now that I’ve been off Parnate for awhile we add some antidepressants, such as Wellbutrin and Zoloft.  He agreed to add Wellbutrin, so I’ll be taking 150 mg for two weeks, and then go up to 300 mg.  He said that if I’m not seeing benefits after that, we can add the Zoloft.  Ran a few errands today and barely feel like talking or interacting–even with my own kids.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor, and as of right now, I think I still have health insurance, so I’m going to ask him what medications he uses with success for other people with depression.  If anyone has any suggestions, they’d be greatly appreciated.

My latest job interview was a three hour ordeal with a critical thinking test, a math test, and a spelling test included.  No surprise that I didn’t get the job.  This is the third interview I’ve had with no success, and it’s just getting old.  I know that I must come across as supremely unhappy and inept in these interviews, because that’s the way I feel.  I’m just barely managing to get up in the morning and take my kids to camp (my dad paid for it, otherwise, there’d be no way we could afford it).  My yard is an absolute mess, and it’s just reflective of how f—d up the lifestyle is of the people living inside. 

I just read someone’s comments and one of the ten steps to mental health was to remain socially active, and I’m definitely not doing that.  Without work, I feel so isolated, that I have nothing to talk about with even the people that I might call.  My poor kids.  There’s really nothing anyone can do to help–I just feel like if I were taking the right medication, I’d be more energetic, optimistic, and have the drive to get my family out of this place and back to the town we lived in before we moved here for the job that I quit.  Just to have the energy to get up and shower in the morning would be nice. 

I talked to my former therapist on the phone, and she recommended that I apply for permanent disability.  I guess I just don’t want to admit that I’m unable to work anymore–it feels like such a failure, such a defeat–not to mention not wanting to go through the bureaucratic hoops that it would require (though I’ll admit I don’t even know exactly what they are).  At the same time, there’s an extreme amount of pressure on my husband now to support the whole family–with me not working–and I wonder at times how he can stand it, stand me.  Sometimes I feel so hopeless that I wish I were dead, or just some mindless organism like a fungi that grows on trees, or an animal–just so I wouldn’t have to think and feel this way.

On my trip to visit my family, everyone commented on how low I seemed.  I talked to my sister, who’s a doctor, and she said she thought I was taking too much Geodon. (160 mg).  I talked to my doctor who suggested I cut back on my Geodon and increase my Parnate.  I’m now taking 60 or 80 mg of Geodon and was taking 40 mg of Parnate, until Sunday, 7/12, on which I decided to stop taking my Parnate so I can (in a few weeks when the MAO inhibitor is completely out of my system), start taking some other antidepressant.  In the meantime, it looks like we’re about out of money to keep paying $1200/month for health insurance, so I’m trying to cut out my Geodon, because I read that it’s very expensive if not paid by insurance.  I’d like to go back to natural treatments for bipolar, so today I took two fish oil supplement gels.  I’m going to continue taking the fish oil, continue not taking the Parnate, and continue cutting back on the Geodon.