The creditors are back with a vengeance. They don’t go away. I’m discouraged by applying for jobs and not getting any responses. Some of these jobs are administrative assistant positions–jobs I’m certainly capable of doing, if not overqualified for. I don’t know what it is–maybe I need to change my resume, make it shorter, I don’t know.
Right now I’m taking 160 mg of Geodon at around 7 pm and 3 tablets (10 mg each?) of Parnate in the morning. For anyone reading this who is looking for stabilizing medicine–who tends toward depression rather than mania–this is a good medication regimen. I don’t have much trouble waking up in the morning, am not needing any sleep medication, feel pretty good (though a bit pessimistic, but that’s normal for me), and have good concentration and energy. My only problem is I can’t rest assured and feel good about what I’m doing right now. I’m having trouble just living in the moment, taking one day at a time, all that stuff that I’m supposed to do.
I was explaining to my daughter what a shirt of my husband’s means; it has a picture of a glass half full of liquid and it says, “Half Full”. I was telling her about the expression, “Some people look at life as if the glass is half empty; others look at it as if the glass is half full.” I’m definitely the half-empty type. Even though things are going pretty well, it’s hard for me to feel good when I feel so unproductive. I’m used to measuring my success based on my work, my paycheck, and now that I really have neither, I feel rather useless and worthless, not to mention feeling like I need money to do and get things I want.
Archive for May 2009
I have done nothing productive today except create a button on a website. There are no more jobs to apply for, no projects for my husband’s company. I feel so unaccomplished, discouraged, and frustrated. I can’t think of any words of wisdom to help me feel inspired. Ah, emotional stability–it’s so boring. As my husband and I both struggled to sleep in the early morning today, he said, “I’m trying to figure out why I’m here (meaning in this town where we moved). I’m so bored.” Maybe it’s his job search I should be conducting. God knows he can’t have worse luck than I.
I saw Terry Chaney, author of Manic, on AOL yesterday, but I didn’t have a chance to read the article. At the end of her book, she writes about her fear of stability–of being in social situations without being manic. Most often I veer toward depression rather than mania, but when I am manic, things seem to go more my way. Right now, I’m so discouraged by my very unsuccessful job search that it’s making me feel antsy and ill.
Now my husband expects me to stop looking for a job…
I started looking for a job again. I had taken about a week away from doing it, at my husband’s prompting, and now I’m back doing it again. I feel like I’m in a trap because I have to show dedication to my husband’s company, if he is going to work for a company, but he’s only applied for one job (on Friday), and I know from experience that it takes more than one application to get a job. Of course, we could get extremely lucky and he could get that job, but I’m not one to put all my faith in one thing. My husband always tells me that his Chinese zodiac (Year of the Monkey) says he’s easily discouraged, and I have to say, if he’s going to be discouraged after sending out one application, we’re in for trouble.
This weekend, I could barely drag myself out of bed in the mornings. When all I have to look forward to is a dirty house and laundry, it’s hard to have the motivation to get up. A few of my former students emailed me through Facebook, and two of them said I was their favorite teacher in high school. In a way that makes me feel good, but at the same time, I wonder what it was about me back then that made me capable of performing as a teacher that I don’t have anymore. I did apply for one job teaching at a career college, but I’m not sure what I’d do if that job actually came through because I know what teaching does to me. It’s so stressful, and there’s so much work that has to come home with me, I’m sure I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s just that I haven’t done much else in my adult life. I applied for one job as an eduational materials editor, and I’d be so happy if I heard from them. I faxed my info a couple weeks ago and have heard nothing, but the job is still posted, so I decided to follow up via email. Wish me luck.