I went back to teaching, thinking that I could hold down a full-time job with 150 students. That lasted for a couple of months, when I was flying with the euphoria of starting a new job, moving to a new place. (Was it mania?) I was definitely feeling good for a few months. Then reality set in. I couldn’t keep up the pace. My students started failing (and since many of them are seniors in high school and failing English means they can’t graduate), I started to feel the pressure. My mood started to deflate. I was up nights, worrying about the failing grades. What was I going to do?
One morning I walked out to my car to drive to school, and someone had smashed my windshield. I knew it was a student–many of them know where I live. I decided not to say anything to my classes, but after that, something changed in me. I started to feel a knot of tension in my stomach every morning when I’d get up. I’d smoke and drink tea to try to relax. I started taking Ativan. Every evening I was in a panic over how to prepare for three different grade levels. On the weekends, all I’d have time to do was grade papers. In the evenings, I’d go out to smoke a cigarette in the shed-like garage in my backyard and think about hanging myself. I felt hopeless, trapped. I saw a special about Heath Ledger and started counting out all the anti-anxiety drugs and other downers I had. Did I have enough to kill myself? I have two kids, and I’d think about what it would mean to them if I died that way. I went on like this for about two months, and then I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I quit the job. No new job. No prospects. Just the knowledge that I couldn’t go on like that.
So here I am celebrating the holidays with my husband’s big extended family. My family is out of the country. My husand asks me what’s wrong. I’m so worried about the future and feeling so low, I can’t explain.
I talked to my new doctor today who thinks my problem is largely “psychological” rather than chemical. I decided that I’d like to try Parnate again, since it’s the only medicine I recall helping me out of a depression this bad. So for now, I need to clear out my system of other antidepressants, so no more Lexapro or Wellbutrin. Just 60 Geodon at night, plus Ambien if I need it, and the Atavan, if I need that. We’ll try the Parnate in two weeks. (That would be Friday, January 9th).